Dear shang this is for you..

GEt your ass up and stop wallowing in self pity dude!This isn't the shang i know,and its not one i wish to see!STUDY NOW!!!!!

Alrite now that i've gotten that outta the way..Just caught Night At The Museum and hey it was good.Loved the t-rex!

Was talking to shang,and he mentioned how he would love to have no life,like one of my other friend,to get good grades.No life meaning,you hardly go out,you study most of the time.And you don't get involved in anything other than work in school.

I guess personally,i would never want to swap,unlike shang.I'm not trying to diss anyone here but just voicing out random thoughts.The new principal gave her speech that day,and in it i sieved out some stuff that were really true.Like for example,JC life would be the best time of your life spent in your schooling years.You'd have the most fun,and memorable times,and you'd carry them along with you as you walk your path.

Life ain't all bout getting perfect grades,and thankfully i'm not grades oriented.Jc life so far has been great in some ways or another,i made my choice,that is to try out new stuff and have a different life.Joined volleyball,(ok maybe i joined cause there wasn't any other cca),became an OGL (alright alright,maybe some of you might argue i did it cause of J1 girls,but hey i'm becoming gay ok..) I've done things i never would have done before,like shaking my ass on stage,doing retarded stuff and basically having fun in school.Being work oriented means missing out on all the fun stuff,and then what's the whole point?Is there gonna be anything you can reminisce about in future?Is there gonna be any i wished time would turn back again..

Life ain't a bed of roses,but i guess if we try to enjoy ourselves no matter what we're doing,and so as long as we never ever give up on ourselves,life's alright.

P.S Dear shang,stop waving that white flag of yours,show some fighting spirit and determination.It's hard,i know it myself,but i'd be the impetus for your drive to study.(God dammit i'm making tomorrow free ok..just to study with you so you better not retain or drop out of jc)

I know what you want,i ask the obvious.Just like any request you would make,i would oblige.
This time round,i wish i could,but it's so hard.I know you well enough,but not enough to know what you feel when our eyes meet.

But what i do know,is what i feel when our eyes meet.I see in your eyes,me and you.
I see that same pair of eyes i gazed upon once,when i once loved looking at.
Fond memories,memories of when i said three words and wished that the moments would last forever.
What i also see,are the tears that fell neverending in the nights that seemed to last an eternity.
That pain,that seared through my heart.That very same pain that watered my eyes for the many nights i laid pondering.
That feeling,a mixture of betrayal,hurt,pain,and the thought of someone you loved hurting you in that way seemed so hard to bear.
I grit my teeth and never gave up,and i waited for that day when i thought you'd come back.
Forgive but never forget,i was ready to forgive,but you never gave me that chance to forgive.

I know you a little,a little too well.And from that day when your sorry wasn't true,i never waited for another.You don't owe me anything,not an apology,nor a thank you.Like you've said,i was lousy,and i accept that tag.I'm a waste of your time,the past haunts,and it still bounds me with shackles.The reason i wanted what i wanted,was because i felt you'd be happier,free to pursue that other happiness.I just want you to be happy,always did and always will.

2nd day of OGL camp,(Orientation Group Leader) and i'm dead beat. Well you would be too if you slept at 2am before the first day of camp and 1 am the next day.

I guess today was the most fun part of the camp,rolling in mud,dumping your face in flour,and having ketchup poured on you,all being in a day's of work.Today was group bonding at it's peak,we collaborated and worked together,giving the games leader a taste of their medicine.

Chasing down the helpless leaders who ran for their lives,and then dragging them together back to the pool of egg and flour mixture,or mud,was just sadistically satisfying.I guess this is gonna be the only highlight of my Jc years,something i'm gonna remember for a long time.

Pussycats dolls' mtv remake tomorrow,and i'm getting the jitters.The prospect of being on stage doing stupid acts is kinda daunting.Praying everything goes well tomorrow!

Went to the temple today,to visit my grandma and uncle,aunty and my two cousins.(don't know what word to use so i shall use visiting) I never really thought much of it,these visits,but today i kinda realised that it serves another purpose other than remembering our lost loved ones.
We'd all sit around together catching up,talking,laughing and all as a whole.And this acts as a bridge to all of us,sort of like a family gathering,putting all of us together despite everybody's ever filled schedules.

Walked into the columbarium with my mom and little brother,and i dreaded that.I kinda didn't wanna look at my grandma and sister's pictures,a grim reminder of loss envelops,prompting you to reminisce.My mom held my little brother,as he excitedly skips towards the place,and i just followed silently behind.

Upon reaching,my mom points proudly to my brother and said,"See,that's your grandma.Pretty isn't she?" I raised my head and looked,i'd nearly forgotten how she looked,the image of her face in my mind was blurred,just the silhouette of her figure left.That picture brought back everything,and my mom was right,she is pretty.At that moment i felt my throat tighten,and saliva felt hard to swallow,this tinge of sadness just ran through me.

What came next felt like something prodding at my heart,pulling my heart strings.
"This is your sister,(Smiling at my brother) she died before she reached 1."
I walked off at that point,and as i walked i pondered on how my mom was so strong,on how she didn't feel sad at all.Maybe like me,she just hides her feelings.

But then i realised finally,that the reason why,was probably evident all this while.She's proud of us,my brothers and i.I finally recall the times when people talked to her about us,she'd swell with pride and smile.This is why all mothers are great,maybe not all but most.My brothers and i,we may not be the smartest,nor the most fillial.But that doesn't quite matter,we're all her sons,and she loves us.=)

Today i found out how hard it is,to hide behind a smile,or fake one.
It's hard,really.


This short story,some of you might have read,

A baby asked God, "They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?"

"Your angel will be waiting for you and will take care of you."

The child further inquired, "But tell me, here in heaven I don't have to do anything but sing and smile to be happy."

God said, "Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you. And you will feel your angel's love and be very happy."

Again the child asked, "And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me if I don't know the language?"

God said, "Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak."

"And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?"

God said, "Your angel will place your hands together and will teach you how to pray."

"Who will protect me?"

God said, "Your angel will defend you even if it means risking it's life."

"But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore."

God said, "Your angel will always talk to you about Me and will teach you the way to come back to Me, even though I will always be next to you."

At that moment there was much peace in Heaven, but voices from Earth could be heard and the child hurriedly asked, "God, if I am to leave now, please tell me my angel's name."

"You will simply call her, 'Mom.'"

They say," A picture speaks a thousand words.."
And this picture is all that i'm feeling now..
The feeling of happy,sad,and disappointment is something hard to stomach...or so i found..

Night out with besties,and we caught the movie "Eragon" at Vivo.I must say i'm disappointed with it and so would any other person who has read the book,so for people out there who have read the book and have yet to catch the show,do yourself a favour and give it a miss.

Went off to with yanisa to look for her daryl to play lan,something me and ben have not done for ages.Well it was enjoyable i guess,if you factor out the "getting thrashed" or in gamers' language "getting owned" part.

The shop was at Orchard plaza if i'm not wrong,and if you thought that after midnight there'd be no life there,you're wrong.The first sight that greeted me as i walked in to look for a toilet was a middle aged man,with one hand flicking his ciggarette ash onto the floor nonchalantly,and the other,cuddling a woman.Pretty soon the numbers grew,and amounted into groups.And so i soon realised,if i weren't wrong,these women and men probably met for one night,and there's a cheap hotel upstairs.So you get the picture,yea?

Somehow walking in that area just doesn't feel right,it kinda feels like you're at the wrong place at the wrong time.The setting,is a dark place,people getting drunk,and men "ushering" women to a hotel room.And as you leave that whole building a cigarette stench clings tightly onto your shirt.

Thank god for the Night Rider service,which doesn't exactly come cheap as well.3 dollars for some lousy seat and an air-con system that can't even match up to my grandparents' fan.Well can't complain if your poor and can ill-afford to pay the exorbitant King's-ransom that cabs demand.

Walking home at night seems weird too,the air is still,an there's an eerie silence.Not a whisper can be heard,and your soft thuds of walking are elevated ten-folds,as if it can be heard throughout the whole neighbourhood.

Somehow night-life ain't that good,it doesn't come cheap and i've finally realised what my parents' nagging was about.Besides,waking up with this lethargic feeling in the morning isn't appealing at all.Nevertheless a good night out spent,glad to have the company of friends,and widen my sights of the world a little more.

Laughters of the day..

Crystal: I'm gonna give birth to hai song's wife...
Us: ....isn't it supposed to be deliver?
Crystal: .. oh

Crystal: I went to volunteer at the old "forks" home..
Us: .. ... *bursts out laughing*

And we still can't get her to tell us a joke properly,cause she'd always laugh at her own joke even before finishing..
"One day.. hahahaha....haha...there was...hahaha....."

Talking to shang on msn,and we're both doing the "i should have been" thing.And in this case,we're ranting on and on about making the wrong choice going to a jc being the lazy bums we are.Well at least it ain't looking that bad for me yet,he runs a high risk of retaining should he flunk the "Welcome Back Exam" next year.

Life isn't all rosy for me,well it ain't exactly shit too.Time's running out and i don't know if i'm looking forward to school or dreading it.I haven't exactly done much work,and the prospect of being a J2 is making me piss in my pants.(Not literally please..) Being a J2 means you're not supposed to have a life,weekends are gonna have to be spent studying,and the words free time is gonna be ripped outta the dictionary.

This holiday i guess is the same as the ones before,somehow i'd always go through some emotional turmoil just like the ones before.Well i guess it's good,this time i've gave up,faith gone.I'm gay...well for one year till i finish A's.

My resolution for tomorrow?Wake up in time for volleyball training before the teacher calls me up and screws me again.Ciao

I have a feeling you know,that its you.And i want you to know that this is true.
It's ok if you don't bother to reply,
It's ok if you don't really care.
It is really,but i want you to know,i'd be here.
When you're down and there's noone,i'd be here.
When you need a life-vest to cling on to and wait,i'd be here.
When you cry and there's no shoulder,i'd be here.
Just know that no matter what,i'd be here..
I really will..

I finally earned something this holiday,and it's a box of chocolates!Well at least i earned something,and it came with the price of dressing up in TPJC uniform on a sunday,like a nerd.
My teacher needed a "nerdy" student to take photos of,for the "This is how you should look like in uniform".

Miss Tan:"Hahaha.."
Me:"err is something wrong?"
Miss Tan:"Nope,i just never saw my student dressed up so guai"
Me:"-_-"

That probably sums up my dressing in school..

Happy Birthday to my mom!

I'm bad at telling people how much they mean to me,especially if they're my kin,so i'm gonna write here that i love you mom.I really do,it takes a lot to raise a kid like me,and it takes more raising the grown up me.

Thank you for all the breakfasts you buy for me on weekends,so i can have a decent breakfast when i sleep in.
Thank you for all the times you'd check my wallet in the morning before you go off to work to be sure i'm not dead broke,and if i were you'd always stuff in some money.
Thank you for all the care and concern,something i'd always need.
Thank you for being proud to have me.
Thank you for being my mom..

Just woke up 2 hours ago,and i'm feeling like shit.And waking up made me realise how much i miss my bed.Slept over at shang's house cause when we left the bbq,it was arnd 230am,and we took a long night walk,which was no easy feat.Considering having to carry ben's pots of curry and a huge cooler box.Shang being the gracious host,provided a mattress,and two sleeping bags for the 4 of us.Guo wei merely stoned in a meditation position cause he refused to sleep.And i got the sleeping bag,with a small rugby ball for a pillow.

Yesterday was great,i think.Well not that my opinion really matters here,but it was more of a gathering of friends and reunion.Glad to see the ex-classmates,and my ever so handsome math tuition teacher.(Whom still doesn't have a kid.And we just kept rubbing it in all night.Tongkat ali,viagra,etc.) For the first time in my life,i saw one of my friends,being emo and depressed.And him being depressed is no joking matter,well at least for me,he becomes half gay,and tends to take me for a punching bag gay partner.I still get a goosebumps imagining him doing it again,the hugging and leaning on my chest!ARGH!And he takes it out on me by thumping my chest like its some game machine.

Well i'm bad at comforting people i realise,i'm kinda at a loss for words.Words that make people feel better,he says i'm straight,and well i guess i am.Being pragmatic is the only way you don't get hurt as deep.And i realised,putting two emo guys together isn't really good,so i cheered up a little!

Gazing at the stars with the sea breeze caressing your cheeks gently is a really nice sensation.It kinda makes you feel all relaxed,and well...alive.As you take a closer look,you'd realise the up there,stars are dotted everywhere.But then you'd only see one brightest star,one that's special to you.The sea waves lapping onto shore,soothes the soul somehow,and everything is just so calm.

Saw 4 kids running about,and they kinda hung around with our group.Apparently their mom was at the nearby pub,chatting with some guy and they're left all alone to play.To them they say,it's already something mundane,and i kinda wondered what kind of a mother do they have.Makes me think back to the times,when i was their age,and my parents never let me outta their sight.Always so protective and concerned bout my whereabouts,and at that time being a kid,i'd always feel irritated and i hated that kind of attention.Now i'm just happy i've got great parents.


`You are that brightest star that shines in the sky

Stoning at ben's house now waiting for jin xian to arrive,for the past hour been slacking,eating junk food and wrapped potatoes for later.No idea what to anticipate,the most present problem,would be that most of the people going don't seem to understand that no dinner comes free,and they fking expect to just eat and go.

Me and ben are officially "Sai Kang warriors",i'm like a bull that pulls the cart,charcoal,drinks ice,u name it,i carry it.Ben's got food to prepare,and this is really dawning on me how tough it is planning and making things happen.Science question..how do you keep a chocolate cake from not melting into something unpresentable for 3 hours without a refrigerator.Gotta start paying attention in class...

"I love you,you love me,we are happy family...." .. .. and i'm awoken from my deepest slumber not by my phone's alarm but special thanks to my lil brother.The amazing power of the barney song,it wakes the biggest pigs,and to think my two alarms didn't wake me again.Sigh.

I must go get the barney song and use it for my alarm man,otherwise it'd be a matter of time before some volleyballer get his/her hands around my neck for being M.I.A for trainings.Time,10 am,approximately 8 hours or 9 to the Bbq,and i've got a feeling it's gonna be screwed.We're so bad at planning stuff,i think the tag "We suck" can actually be used here.Loads of stuff to do,and there's an important thing we didn't get.The cake.Yea,amidst the furry of rushing to get stuff for the Bbq,we forgot the most important thing,which is that cake,with candles on it.

Shang suggested pandan cake,cause he said he's broke,and i'm still laughing.I guess we're screwed man,all my life,i've hardly done things right,and things are hardly right for me.Gotta pray hard for tonight to work out.

Staring aimlessly into space,i wished i could speak,
To you the girl,who swept me off my feet.

Not a day goes by,when i don't reminisce,
the times we spent,the times that never do suffice.

I wish i could tell you,how much i miss you,
I wish you would know just how my feelings are real.

That smile i really adore,
And those resplendent eyes i love to gaze upon

A time so short,yet a thousand years it seems,
Bounded by this shackles,a feeling within.

A promise i made,to never fall in love,
This promise i broke,for u seemed sent from above.

Now i'm just sitting here with an empty heart,
This blistering cold,stinging me so hard.

Like glass shattering,my heart follows,
The crisp sharp sound,echoes through a me thats hollow

Devoid of a love requited,
Despite attempts that are repeated.

All this i'm suffering,in pain and in agony,
A pain unmatched physically,yet veiled by irony.

All this feelings to you can never be told,
Maybe thats why,it can merely be wrote.

Crimson blood flows illuminating the night,
A pale shade of sorrow,that tells of my plight.

From my clenched fists i've decided to let go,
And this broken heart is all i have to show.

THEY'RE BACK!! And tonight i finally got to eat a decent dinner,stuffed myself to the point that my mom asked if i didn't have lunch.Well i did,but it was a pathetic D.I.Y lunch that consisted of milo and well..bread..

My lil brother is still the same pesky guy he was,and it feels more like a home now.
No more worrying bout terrapin feeding and lousy meals anymore!=)

Shiya showed this to me, title?James Bond... Language?Hokkien..you gotta catch this..

I never dreamt it'd be this way
I've lost any chance for me to say
To say that I miss you, say that I love you
Will someone please tell me I'm okay

I wasn't prepared for what's to come
A life made of memories gone so young
And now I'm regretting all I've done
But in your heart know that I'm with you all along

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight

I never thought that this could go
And take me away from all I know
And leave me to think I'm on my own
But your love will take me, you were the one...

...Who sat through nights
You held me tight
And made sure I'm okay
And I thank you for the love you gave to me

Wherever you go, I will be waiting
Whenever you call, I will be there
Whatever it takes, I'll make your darkest days so bright
I'm in your heart tonight...


If ever you cry just know
I'm in your heart tonight...

`Gone so young

Feel so lost,and its so awkward,thought i'd be enjoying being alone at home.But i guess i thought wrong.I need my family back home again,this doesn't even feel like home anymore,its like an empty shell.

Have to constantly remind myself to feed my brother's terrapin,or he'd be devastated when he comes home.I nearly died when i saw two terrapin heads popping out of the water,cause there was supposed to be three.Was bout to shoot myself cause i thought one died,but then i realised it was hiding under the rock...

And so far my prayers have worked,no cockroaches sighted.Anyone who knows me well enough knows i'd rather flee than take on a flying cockroach.And under normal circumstances i'd call in daddy pest control service.Growing up in a kampung,lets just say it's his forte,and being his dear son,i'd always call him in when harassed by such a pest.Sadly,being all alone at home deprives me of that luxury,so rather than having to deal with this problem i've decided to pray hard it doesn't arise.

Finally managed to drag myself outta bed today and then to school for vball training,and i must say the number of guys are just dwindling,at lets say...the number 3?Another day passes,and i still haven't got started on Reading log homework.

`It seems we were never meant to be?..please tell me it isn't true..

Woke up to a peaceful and serene morning,air was cool but it just felt weird.The sound of raindrops hitting the window pane serenading the start of today.But thats the thing.Keyword?Peaceful...rewind back one day..

Woke up to a a heck of din,courtesy of my lil brother,air was cool and everything felt great being a new day.I miss waking up to my lil brother's shouting and jumping about,and i miss shouting,"Shut up i'm trying to catch some sleep here!"

It feels weird walking to the computer in the morning without seeing my second brother playing his game,blasting the sound.

Well,at least i know how it feels to be the only child,you just wake to your own world,and it's all just quiet until you start blasting some music to drown out the silence.Which happens to be what i'm doing now..

Hope they're having fun at genting now,though i kinda regret not going,maybe having some time alone there and walking around alone aimlessly at night is just what i need to sort out the stuff in my head.Anyway managed to sort out some stuff,and i guess i have a rough map of the way ahead,might not be the best solution but i guess it would suffice.Emo night is over,time to start my day with a smile again. =)

Found a webby for loads of jap dramas!Courtesy of Tse hui...and here it is...http://www.dailymotion.com/Blaice/taiyou Taiyou no uta's there too,and you guys have to watch it!

Taiyou no Uta 01 Part 1/2
Uploaded by Blaice

Just finished watching the show Taiyou no uta,close to tears at the last episode yet again.I seriously gotta stay away from sad shows,i'm not good with them at all.

The show's about a girl who has a disease called XP that doesn't allow her to be exposed to UV light,or in short,the sun.Her only solution is by wearing and embarassing power ranger look alike suit,which she detests,thus being confined to night alone to roam about.

Her passion is in music,writing her song and playing the guitar,and this started when she picked up a guy's guitar a couple of years back.She observed him daily,from her hospital window a couple of years then,as he used to always walk past and one day she saw him abandon the guitar.It went on to become her passion and dream to play music,and fast forward a few years she met him and then they fell in love.

That fella and his group of friends,(oh by the way they're cute!) all became aquainted with the girl and then went on to chase their dreams of making it as a band.Loads of stuff happened,which you should watch and find out,and in the end,yea she died again.Darn sad,she always dies,first in one litre of tears and now taiyou no uta.To rub it in she has such a nice smile and she's such a cutie.

Anyway the show's quite meaningful,just like one litre of tears it carries some messages,and many heart warming quotes.Like how one part when she could no longer play the guitar cause the disease was affecting her hand,the guy said to her "I'd be your guitar"
And of cause the main thing about the show is having a dream,which sadly after watching i have come to realise yet again,something that i lack.And a phrase i loved...


`What is the meaning in a life without dreams?
..A life without love..what happiness is there?
Even if its not realised,i tried my best to chase my dreams and i tried my best to love someone,
therefore my life is not unfortunate nor pitiful...i'm more blessed than others..

Went to jin xian's house with ben the other day to check it out,and it was cooler than we thought!He stayed on the highest level and when we went upstairs we climbed onto the roof of the building.Being on top feels good,you get the top of the world feeling,and the view is fantastic.

Looking at the stars with nothing obstructing your view is just different,but then we all got scared and decided to climb down.=x

Went to the gym and played soccer yesterday,stupid me played barefoot,and now there're two gigantic blisters on my soles which hurts like @!$!@$...can't even walk properly now.And it's friday already,time really flies,this weekend is going to be real lonely,my whole family's going overseas,and i decided not to follow.Kinda regret a lil,after all it has been a while since i'd been to Genting,and i do miss the night scenery too.

Oh well,i'd stick to watching my jap drama Taiyou no uta,and pray holidays don't end soon,work is still kinda piled up.